On the flipside, let’s do what we do best and talk about the worst wrestling themes. Throughout time, it’s no surprise there are more than a few bad wrestling themes. Whether it’s a bad song, the tune just doesn’t fit the wrestler, or it has a terminal case of being too generic, there are many reasons why a wrestling theme can be bad. With that in mind, let’s look at some of the very worst.
Rule: Must be an actual song, so sound effects like the Right To Censor theme won’t be making an appearance.
5. “Doom” (The Dungeon of Doom)
This one almost violates my arbitrary “no sound effects” rule because the song is a whole lot of Kevin Sullivan and “The Master” (Curtis Iaukea) laughing maniacally. But what saves it (the list, not the song) is the generic b-movie-grade spooky music playing in the background, like a Halloween music CD you buy at a gas station.
And honestly, it’s not much better. I defy you to close your eyes, listen to 30 seconds of this, and not visualize a middle school haunted house. The Dungeon of Doom itself was a joke faction meant to give Hulk Hogan a monster of the week to vanquish, but that’s no excuse for this lifeless, generic theme.
4. “American Males” (American Males)
“American Males, American Males, American Males, American Males”
Tired of that yet? Well too bad because that’s the entire song. The entire. F$%^&@. Song. The American Males (there’s those words again) weren’t a bad tag team, they were young, talented, and the ladies definitely loved them, but their theme was a combination of generic 90s rock and “American Males, American Males…” over and over and over.
It’s amazing the poor souls who attended WCW b show tapings like Worldwide and Pro didn’t kill themselves after the third time hearing this awful theme in the same afternoon.
3. “Modest” (Jeff Hardy)
This is a unique one on the list because the wrestler actually performed his own theme. In this case, it’s Jeff Hardy’s first TNA theme “Modest” by his band PeroxWhy?Gen (yes, it’s spelled like that). The song is…let’s just say Jeff Hardy like. While the younger Hardy certainly is artistic, it doesn’t mean what he creates is necessarily good. This theme, for example. Then again, he would later prove his penchant for designing title belts, so maybe he should just stick to wrestling.
2. “Ass Man” (Mr. Ass)
Thankfully, Billy Gunn can’t be blamed for this theme. Someone should be, but not Billy Gunn. After dropping the Rockabilly gimmick like a Kevin Nash with an even heavier Giant, Billy Gunn added the “Bad Ass” moniker. And the New Age Outlaws theme was a great fit. Then, like with many things Vince Russo, they went too far. So instead of being “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn, he simply became…Mr. Ass. Yup, Mr. Ass. That was his name…on national television.
But they went even further and gave him an ass-centric theme called “Ass Man”. And the entire song is, you guessed it, about asses. I’m gonna spare you the details, just listen to it and fill in the blanks on why so many find this song so, so wrong.
1. “Dealin’ With The X Factor” (X Factor)
This will be my #1 worst song until WWE finally gives in makes a theme that is 99% Stephanie McMahon shrieks. For those of you who don’t know, or care, X Factor was the short-lived group led by talented wrestler and bandana stockholder Sean “X Pac” Waltman. Yup, they made the sidekick the leader of his own little group. 2001 was weird.
The group wasn’t bad, per se, it was just…there. Pac was joined by Albert and the newly returned Justin Credible (who was drawn back to the WWF after they said they’d pay him) and they sure existed. But beyond that, they didn’t do much. And, honestly, if not for their abysmal theme song, they’d be pretty much forgotten.
But they had this song and I will never let anyone forget it. The song is by Uncle Kracker. There, I said it. For those of you who don’t know, first of all, you lucky bastards, and second Uncle Kracker was the DJ for fake white trash musician Kid Rock. Then he struck out on his own and put out an album. That album included a song called “Whachu Lookin’ At?”, a song that definitely came from someone named Uncle Kracker.
Now here’s where WWE comes in. Instead of using this song and re-recording the lyrics to make it about the aforementioned Pac, Credible, and Albert trio, they just shouted “F$#@ it” and literally just had a guy shout “X Factor” over the existing lyrics whenever Mr. Kracker said “the fact”. They didn’t remove the original lyric, they just made the X Factor part louder. Yes, I’m serious.
But it gets worse, because it’s not just an Uncle Kracker song, it’s an Uncle Kracker ballad. Yup, after the somewhat hip “Yo, you’re dealin’ with the X Factor”, you’re met with…a Kid Rock-lite autotune mess of a rock ballad long after both of those things got hepatitis from Tommy Lee. It’s a rock song with no energy and a ballad with no heart, it’s just a mix of all the terrible things a song can be and it’s supposed to get us pumped to see Justin Credible and Albert gimmick #3? No wonder X Pac will probably be a heel at his own funeral.
Well that’s my list for the Bottom 5 Worst Wrestling Themes. Is there a song I left out? Any that pierced your ears that I somehow missed? Let me know in the comments below.
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