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I’m going to change it up and write about GOOD things for once. Shocker, I know. Anyway, let’s take a look at the Top 5 Best Wrestling Themes.

Rule: The theme has to have been used as an actual theme, not just for an album.

5. “Sexy Boy” (Shawn Michaels)

This is one of those songs that, out of context, would really come off as awful. On face value, it’s a bad song. Egotistical, riddled with a feeling of “kinda edgy wrestling theme”, and no, that’s not a compliment, this song should by all rights be awful. But it’s not. Matter of fact, it’s iconic.

Recorded right after Michaels threw Marty Jannetty through the window of a fake barber shop and went solo, the song has been sung by Sensational Sherri, Shawn Michaels himself, and even Vince McMahon (I wish I was joking). The McMahon version notwithstanding (seriously, look it up on Youtube), this song just fits the person it brought to the ring. Babyface, heel, didn’t matter, this theme was his theme and that’s why it didn’t change much in the 20+ years he used it.

4. “Cult of Personality” (CM Punk)

Probably the best modern example, CM Punk’s use of Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality” just fits the character so well. So much so that he used it both in WWE and his final few months in Ring of Honor back in 2005 (when he originally signed with the WWE). It’s a great song on its own, but coupled with CM Punk, who one could argue embodies the song itself, its just a great combination that really outdoes many of its contemporaries. No offense to John Cena, who rapped his own entrance theme back when he wanted to be a rapper and not someone raising someone wanting to be a rapper, but CM Punk’s theme choice here is probably the best of his era.

3. “Enter Sandman” (The Sandman)

Unlike everyone else on this list, The Sandman was basically over because of his entrance theme. In addition to drinking and smoking, which he also did during his entrance, Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” playing over the PA made The Sandman’s entrance what it was.

According to many, after his entrance and subsequent six pack consumption, the Sandman’s matches were secondary. And boy were they! Because let’s face it, Sandman was a chain smoking drunk who wrestled like…a chain smoking drunk.

And it’s the success of those entrances that made the WWE’s watered-down knockoff theme so bad. It just wasn’t “Enter Sandman”, it was the generic low budget rock documentary version, and it came off just as well. Long story short, if you’re gonna gave The Sandman, you’ve got to play “Enter Sandman”. I didn’t make the rule, I just believe in it.

2. “Break It Down” (D-Generation X)

Is there a theme more iconic than the official DX theme “Break It Down”? Well yeah, because it’s #2 on this list, but you get what I’m saying. This song is D-Generation X, both the Shawn Michaels-Triple H goofing off version and the one that made it ok for blackface on one single occasion. How many songs can say that?

Why do I keep asking questions?

I’ll stop.

This song is rebellious, it’s high energy, it tells you who they are and what they’re about. And yes, it sounds like Rage Against the Machine. And that’s definitely on purpose. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.

They tried an album remix by Run DMC called “the Kings”, but it didn’t nearly have the edge. And don’t get me started on X-Pac’s sound-alike-bur-somehow-worse theme. Less said about that, the better. The X Factor theme also sucked. That is all.

1. “Real American” (Hulk Hogan)

As cheesy as it may sound in hindsight, the Rick Derringer classic is the perfect theme for Hulk Hogan at this time. Hulk Hogan was not only the biggest star in the WWF during the boom period of the 1980s, he was also an icon for the 80s as a whole. The 1980s was a decade where America basically had a pep rally.

Between Reagan fighting Commies with his bare weapon sales and Hulk Hogan fighting off Russians, Iranians, and…Zeus…America was at peak patriotism.

So of course the biggest wrestling star of the 80s would come to the ring to the most American song of all time (take that, Francis Scott Key), where he reminds you that he’s a REAL American. It may be cheesy, but in context, it’s the perfect theme for the time.

Did I miss anything? Think I’m full of it? Really want to defend Francis Scott Key? Let me know about it in the comments.