419 Live

Back in the 90s, did you ever watch WCW and think to yourself “This is good, but I really want to hear Alex Wright sing European techno”? If so, I hope the medication helped you. For the rest of us who never even considered it, we still got this, a collection of…let’s call them songs compiled onto a CD called WCW Christmas Brawl. WCW Christmas Brawl was a limited edition (not limited enough) CD released exclusively in Germany to promote a tour of the same name. About time someone started taking revenge on Germany.

Yes, this is a real CD. Yes, someone bought it. And yes, years later, someone uploaded it to YouTube (that bastard). Before I dive headfirst into this pile of lyrical Downs Syndrome, a special…thanks?…to WrestlingThemes186V3 for uploading this relic of WCW lunacy. Because I hate myself, I’m going to go through each song on this CD and give a little commentary to the few people actually reading this blog. By the end, either you’ll be gone or I’ll have gone insane. Either way, it’ll be one hell of a ride.

Remember the terrible, awful, ear-bleeding-ly (that’s not a word, but roll with it) bad “American Males” theme? Of course you don’t. Well here it is anyway.

It should be noted that the previous song, which is 80% singing “American Males”, was written by 2 PEOPLE. It took Jimmy Hart and someone no one cares about to write that song. Let that sink in. Let’s move on.

The next track is “Disco Fever”, the theme song for…wait for it…Juventud Guererra. This is a prime example of what WCW was actually good at: pseudo-song-knockoffs that are recognizable enough to be relevant, but legally distinct enough so Earth, Wind, & Fire don’t hire Hersch, Goldstein, & Miller and sue your ass. This song is exactly what you’d expect being the theme song for someone named Disco Inferno.

Now get ready to have some Standards & Practices approved fun, fellow youths. It’s family friendly rap for the whole family (assuming, of course, you hate your whole family). It’s “We Like to Party”, the Public Enemy theme. Revel in its inoffensive blandness and let it soak into your pores. Then take a shower because you feel dirty and mediocre.

Now to cruise into What the Fuck-ville (population: Damian Demento, Dave Sullivan, and The Yeti) , it’s “We’re Still Rocking”, the theme, I guess, for Jimmy Hart, written and performed by Jimmy Hart…..Jimmy Hart. I can’t stress how hokey this song is. If I didn’t know it was from this album, I would think it was a Weird Al cover.

Remember earlier when I mentioned Alex Wright singing European techno and you prayed to whatever deity you believe in that I was joking? Well god is dead and I wasn’t joking. Here’s “Heartbeat Away” sung by “Das Wunderkind” himself Alex Wright, one of the worst things the country of Germany has ever produced. Yes, I know what I said. Warning, he’s as good at singing in English as he is speaking it. Buckle in.

When a song starts with “Get ready for pitty city”, you know you’re about to hear a modern classic. “We’re the Boys” is, of course, sung/shouted by The Nasty Boys and it’s the most appropriate song choice I’ve ever heard in my life. Knobbs and Saggs shout their way through this auditory garbage dump in a way that’s almost as painful as watching any of their matches. But then again, what do you expect from a team who’s main move is rubbing someone’s face in their armpits? Shakespeare?

The next track is “California Sun” a 90s-rific “rock” track that’s supposed to be a theme for “Flyin’ Brian Pillman. It sounds an awful like the same guy who same “American Males”, which is not a good thing. I don’t really know what to say about this one, so here, you listen to it.

Speaking of “pseduo-knockoffs that are legally distinct enough to avoid a lawsuit”, here’s the only track on this musical abortion that’s actually any good, “Self High Five”, the Nirvana knockoff theme used by pre-yoga Diamond Dallas Page. All in all, this is actually a wrestling theme and it doesn’t suck, which brings this album’s good songs to….1.

Up next is the theme for Konnan. No, not the halfway decent one from the late 90s, we’re talking about the crappy Snoop Dogg ripoff during his Dungeon of Doom days. Those were dark times. In this one, Konnan, of course, blatantly steals lines from Snoop Dogg while a familiar and reminiscent sound plays in the background. He literally finishes the song by listing places he’s been. Proving once and for all what many have suspected, Konnan is in fact Pitbull.

And to close out this shit sandwich of a wrestling album (thank god), we get the somehow creepy and not creepy at the same time theme for the Dungeon of Doom. You know, the one that has more laughing than the Million Dollar Man at an orphan kicking contest? Yeah, that one. That’s the song they chose to finish this godawful album. And you know what? I’m ok with that. Because at least it’s over. I’m free. I can go back to my life. I can see my children again. What’s the oldest one’s name? Doesn’t matter, listen to this and suffer like I did.

Well, that’s all for this time. I really regret listening to this album but know there’s nothing I can do to get that time back. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed the post and at least got a chuckle or two. Feel free to share this post, make a comment, whatever you like. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take a nap and hope my dreams aren’t filled with “American Males” being sung on a loop.